


big city dreams

by ferretscrossing



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Angst, Domestic Violence, M/M, im bad at tagging im sorry, ok its really sad now but itll get better
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-02-28
Updated: 2017-02-18
Packaged: 2018-05-23 15:04:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,238
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6120307
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ferretscrossing/pseuds/ferretscrossing
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>au: Josh runs away at the peak of their relationship to pursue his dream of being a drummer in a famous band. Tyler refuses to leave their small Ohio town, afraid of change. Josh's escape left their relationship to end in an argument. Two years later, Josh comes back to Ohio to visit his family. He would soon find out that things were far from what he left them as, including Tyler. Because as soon as Josh left, everything in Tyler's world fell apart.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. blind

Tyler loved Josh. Out of everyone he had ever known in that small Ohio town, Josh was the best person he ever met. They were both 17 when they started dating, and for two entire years, things were perfect for Tyler. Together, they came out to their parents and friends, graduated, lost their virginity, and explored every inch of that town. Anything Tyler did, he did with Josh

But Josh and Tyler were entirely different people with different dreams.

Tyler was a quiet and reserved person. He loved staying indoors and being away from a big group of people. Introverted and shy, that was all Tyler. Change was something completely foreign to him, and it was terrifying if it ever did happen. He never dreamed of even leaving Ohio. Sure, even Tyler might have thought about making it big with his lyrics and musical talent, but Columbus was his home. That was all he ever knew and wanted. His family was there, as well as everything else.

Josh saw life through a different kind of perspective.

Josh was outgoing and never afraid to do anything. He made impulsive decisions and never regretted any of them for one second. Josh was an extrovert and a dreamer. He loved to play his drums, whether it be in front of an audience or not. Josh was happy to do it. Because he was such an amazing drummer, Josh had a dream.

Josh wanted to move out of Ohio. Make a living in Los Angeles as a drummer in some band. He wanted a new life in the limelight. To put it simply, Josh had big city dreams and a will to achieve them. Tyler did have those same dreams sometimes, but had no wish to make them happen, for he was sure he’d fail. Change was too risky and scary for Tyler.

Despite them being completely opposite, they balanced each other out, having Tyler protect Josh from extremely dangerous decisions and choices while Josh got Tyler out of the house more often. It was all too perfect for two years.

But everything goes away. And Tyler remembered every detail of the night Josh told him he was leaving.

***

They were in the isolated parts of some state forest, deep within the trees and up above the ground. On a cliff overlooking the tall trees and gave an open view to the sparkling night sky. They had to sneak past barbed wire fences to reach that point, but Josh insisted it was a great view. And he was right. They'd only gone to that state forest for a day, seeing as it was two hours away from where they lived, but it was all worth it.

Tyler was practically sitting on Josh’s lap, a blanket wrapped around them as they admired the breathtaking view. Silence engulfed them, but it was a comfortable sort of silence for Tyler. It was silence between two people in love without the pressure of having to start a conversation. The only sounds around them were the crickets chirping in the distance.

It was an overwhelming silence for Josh.

“Ty?”

“Hm?” Tyler hummed, hardly realizing the tense tone of voice Josh had. He had been too engrossed in the beauty and warmth of the moment, silently swearing he’d that feeling forever.

"I'm moving to California. Los Angeles.”

That caught Tyler’s attention. He looked away from the scene in front of them, whirling his head to look at Josh. Tyler immediately thought, ‘This has to be a joke. He’s joking. He doesn’t mean this.’

But he wasn’t.

There wasn't a hint of a joke in his eyes. Josh's eyes looked serious, worried, and scared all at once. It made an empty feeling take place of everything in Tyler's chest. Tyler waited, silently begging that Josh would break out in a smile and say something stupid like, 'I'm just kidding. Wanna go get food?' But nothing like that happened. Silence settled amongst them once more, although this time it was a tense silence. The peace and tranquility was gone and was replaced by an uneasy atmosphere.

"You're not kidding. You're serious." Tyler said, realization washing over him and leaving him feeling cold and empty. "You...Y-You're serious." He repeated, feeling it sink in. Josh looked guilty and worried. He felt Josh's eyes burn into him as everything Tyler once knew fell apart around him.

“Yeah. I'm serious...but, Ty..." Josh took a breath, as if he were trying to think of what to say. "I want you to come with me. I even saved up enough money for the both of us! We can both leave Ohio. Start something new. I even found people to start a band with already! I made friends that live in Los Angeles." He said, gently grabbing ahold of Tyler's hands as Tyler moved to get off of Josh. Tyler was suddenly starting to feel so claustrophobic, despite having nothing but open space around the two. What Josh was trying to say to Tyler bounced off of him.

Silence draped over them, letting Josh’s words hang in the cold air.

"No. No. You _know_ I don't wanna leave! You can't suddenly pull this...this... _bullshit_ on me!" Tyler said, raising his voice. The sound of Tyler cursing was enough to make Josh flinch. Tyler noticed, but kept going. “Is it official?” Tyler finally asked, anger and betrayal masking his shaking voice.

Solemnly, Josh nodded his head to the question. “Yeah. I’m…I’m leaving in four weeks.” Josh sighed, squeezing Tyler’s tense hands a bit. “But Ty, please be reasonable. I know you don’t wanna leave, but…but, Ty, what is there here? For both of us? We’re 19. You know I don’t want to go to college here. There’s nothing I’m even interested in if I do go to school.” He said, trying to keep his voice even and calm, although the emotion was overwhelming.

Tyler shook his head, pulling his hands away from Josh and stood up, crossing his arms as he looked at Josh, his angry expression turning into grief. His body grew tense as he shook, his eyebrows pushed together, and his eyes glassy with oncoming tears.

“We have family here, Josh! You can’t leave them! You can’t leave me! You’re being inconsiderate. Y-You’re too young to even go live with those people! They don’t know you as well as everyone here does.”

“I’m…I’m not being inconsiderate, Tyler. I know what I’m doing. I need to take this chance! I’ll never go anywhere if I stay here. You need to get out of here too.” Josh retorted, standing up as well, abandoning the blanket they once shared.

Now tears came down Tyler’s face.

“I’m just fine here! I don’t see a problem with this place! Maybe you need to get your head out of the clouds for once and see that you won’t make it over there!” The words were tumbling out of Tyler’s mouth, and he didn’t care much to filter them.

However, Josh apparently felt the same way.

“I’ll never make it? What about you, Tyler? You never want to try anything! You’re not some all-knowing being,. You don’t know the outcome of everything. And for you to assume that I don’t have what it takes is really shitty of you to do!”

“You’re _leaving_ me!” Tyler yelled. “It’s like you didn’t even care enough about me to let me know ahead of time! Four weeks? Who the hell does that?” He noticed the tears streaming down Josh’s face as well, but Tyler was too full of emotion to stop the argument. And so was Josh.

“ _Don’t_. Don’t even hint that I don’t care about you. I want you to come with me! You need to get out of here or else you’ll never leave!” Josh argued, shaking his head. “You need to stop being so stubborn and see things as they are!”

Tyler took offense to that. “I’m not being stubborn, Josh! I’m thinking of the consequences! What the hell would happen when you don’t make it? What are you gonna do, since you ‘re so against going to school? Get some job at some run down fast food joint and make your living from there? You can’t move away from here!”

Josh laughed, although it was bitter and void of any humor. “You really don’t think I’ll make it, do you? Do you really doubt me that much, Tyler? You—“

“I’m being realistic!” Tyler interrupted Josh, which was apparently the breaking point for Josh. "You won't make it in L.A., Josh!"

“ _Fine_! Fine, Tyler! You don’t have to go! I don’t want you with me if you’re gonna support me like this! But you’re not stopping me. I’m going and I’ll leave in four weeks to my apparently doomed dream." Josh bent over to grab the blanket from the floor, turning around to start walking back towards the car. "Come on. I drove you here. We're leaving."

Tyler was too angry to protest. He followed, the rest of the walk remaining silent as well as the drive. The only thing they could hear in the car was the music in the background, filling the tense silence with some sort of sound. And when they arrived to Tyler's house, Josh didn't look at him. He stared ahead, waiting for Tyler to open the door and get out.

"Bye. See you back here when L.A. doesn't work out." Tyler muttered, opening the door and getting out of the car.

"You don't have to be an asshole about it. Good luck living in this dead end town." Josh stated, driving away as soon as the passenger door closed shut.

***

That was all two years ago. And to this day, Tyler regretted every word he ever said to Josh. He regretted not taking those four weeks to apologize to Josh for even starting that stupid argument. The four weeks passed, and Tyler grew even more heartbroken after each day passed. Josh Dun had actually left behind everything to escape Ohio. After that, things changed for Tyler. For the first few months, he became a shut in, refusing to leave his room or house for whatever reason. Tyler felt drained. Empty. Lost. Without Josh, everything seemed dull. To make matters worse, Tyler was entirely sure that Josh hated him now. They didn't officially break up, but both of them knew what had happened without actually saying it. And it was the worst thing to ever happen for Tyler.

It was Tyler's dad that urged him to get out of the house and go apply to school. To do something. At that point, it was four months of grieving over the most perfect relationship Tyler would ever experience. After a few weeks of persuading, Tyler finally did go out to apply for college. And he even got on the college's basketball team after trying out.

But it all still felt meaningless.

Soon enough, Tyler's brother decided it was time for Tyler to move on from Josh. Although it was easy for Zack to say that seeing as he hated Josh. Despite constant refusals, Zack set Tyler up with someone he knew from school.

After even more persuading and urging, Zack finally convinced Tyler to go on that date with the guy. Brian was his name. And at first, Tyler found himself growing fond of the guy, going on eight more dates. Brian seemed nice, at first. Respectful. Funny. Nothing close to Josh, but Zack made him seem like a complete angel. But it wasn't true. Tyler learned that after their second month of dating.

They were in Brian’s apartment, watching a movie. Multiple ‘ _I'm sorry_ ’s wouldn't help. He had admitted to Brian that he still missed Josh a lot. Brian grew to be aggressive at the mention of Josh, going off on Tyler.

***

"You're dating _me_ now. You need to fucking forget about that arrogant asshole."

And Tyler was stupid enough to try and argue back, defending Josh and saying, “He’s not an asshole. He meant a lot to me.”

Brian grabbed Tyler’s wrist, roughly tugging it. The look in his eyes was enough to shut Tyler up. Tyler stared back, eyes wide. “I’m…I’m sorry but…I—“

“I don’t care. Shut up about him. I’m tired of hearing about that guy! He’s gone. He _left_ you. Got it?”

“You’re hurting me, Brian. Let---“

“ _Got it_?” Brian only tightened his grip, making Tyler try and pull away, tears forming in his wide eyes. But Tyler nodded, trying to hold back those tears.

“Yes! I got it! Please, Brian!” Tyler pleaded, pulling his hand back quickly as Brian’s grip loosened. Brian stared at Tyler, who was cradling his wrist, still shocked and taken aback by what happened.

“Don’t mention him again.”

***

That wasn’t the last time it happened. The violence began to happen more frequently. Tyler only stayed around because it was his only chance of getting over Josh and because each and every morning after, Brian promised he’d never hurt Tyler again. But that promise dissolved after a hit.

It had been two years since Josh left. And Tyler still felt empty. And, somehow, he felt even more worthless than he felt when Josh first left. At that point, Tyler was 21 and living with Brian. He was too afraid to try and leave.

But everything turned upside down for him when he got a phone call from his mom.

“Josh is in town.” Tyler’s mom mentioned after a casual conversation over how school was going for Tyler.

“What?” Tyler asked, his voice going quieter. The mere mention of him made him freeze. A chill went down his back, making him grip the cellphone a bit tighter. The words took a moment to sink in, repeating them in his head over and over as his mom continued speaking.

“Yeah! I guess he’s visiting for Christmas. I ran into him in town when I was grocery shopping.” She explained. “You know what I think? I think you should go see him.”

Tyler remained quiet for a few more moments. His head was spinning. Josh Dun was back. Only for Christmas. The one person he had been mourning for two entire years. But…Brian would find out.

He hesitated before speaking. “I-I can’t. I just…there’s no time. I’m busy.” Tyler said, shaking his head although she wouldn’t see. That warranted a sigh from her.

“It’s up to you, Tyler. But it’s been two years. And you’re with Brian now. I just think you should apologize, that’s all.”

It sounded simple. But in reality, it would be nerve wracking for Tyler. Not one of his family members even knew that he wasn’t over Josh. Or that Brian was often times angry.

“Yeah. Okay. I’ll think about it. I gotta go. Love you, bye.” With that, he hung up, leaning back on the wall of the living room, taking a moment for himself. He couldn’t go. Not now. Brian would get angry, he reasoned with himself. But a sense of longing filled his chest. It had been two years.

Two years full of wanting to see Josh. Two years have passed, and Tyler figured Josh was right. There was nothing in this town for them. Everything that happened to Tyler was bad. Everything fell apart when Josh left.

After a good five minutes of going over everything in his head, he made the decision.

Tyler peeked in the bedroom to see Brian writing his research paper for college. Tyler had to be at class in 30 minutes.

“Hey, uh…I’m gonna go to class now.” Tyler said, hating how small and weak his voice sounded whenever he was around Brian. He looked up at Tyler, nodding.

“Alright. See you back here at six.” Brian murmured, still so engulfed in his paper, thankfully. It would’ve been unusual for Tyler to leave 30 minutes before class when the college was only 10 minutes away. Tyler left out the door, mentally preparing himself to see Josh again after two years. He didn't care much to fix himself up. He left as he was; black hoodie to hide any bruise, skinny jeans, and disheveled hair. There was no want to see Josh again. Not anymore. Instead, it was replaced by a need. Tyler needed to see Josh and apologize.


	2. anyone else but you

It was cold. It was a typical Columbus, Ohio winter. There was snow. A whole lot of it. As well as a cold and bitter breeze to accompany the flurry of snow.

But Tyler grew to hate the winter weather. Everything about Ohio lost its charm as soon as Josh left. And he felt stupid enough to try and fill that void by dating Brian. As if he was just something to replace Josh. To make everything feel normal again. But Tyler grew to learn that replacing Josh wouldn’t be easy. Hell, it might’ve even been impossible. Despite the two years that dragged on, Tyler felt those same feelings for Josh as he did four years ago. 

He hadn’t moved on at all.

Tyler figured that was why he was sitting in his car, right outside of Josh’s old house.

With the car radio providing some type of background noise, Tyler sat, contemplating the pros and cons of even daring to get out of the car. All the fear welled up in his chest, because at that moment, the cons outweighed the pros.

Cons: Josh wouldn’t be the same person, he might still be mad at Tyler, Josh’s family might even hate Tyler, Josh might yell at Tyler, Josh might cry and Tyler would leave feeling even worse than he felt when getting here.

Pros: Josh forgave him. Tyler can run away from everyone here with Josh.

It was irrational to feel as if the worst-case scenario would be most likely to happen, but Tyler knew he wasn’t thinking rationally. Not in the slightest.

Whatever Tyler did before arriving to Josh’s old house was all a blur. He found himself with a poor and hastily wrapped present in the passenger seat. Along with everything he bought last minute in order to even wrap the present.

Tyler made a mental note to toss everything away before getting home to Brian. Just to be sure.

A quick look out the window to the house again made it even more intimidating. The house practically towered over him in the car, making him feel smaller than he might’ve already felt.

Suddenly, his mind began to go into overdrive.

How dare he show up at his ex-boyfriend's parent's house with a pair of cheap drumsticks hidden beneath some cheesy Christmas-themed wrapping paper? All the smiling snowmen with snowflakes wrapping paper would never aid what he said to Josh. After the argument Tyler blamed himself for, this attempt seemed sad. Pathetic. Desperate, even. 

He felt heavy with regret. The argument was still fresh in his mind. Despite it being two years, it felt like two days. Everything Tyler said to Josh; everything he said about how Josh would never make it still haunted him.

Clenching the steering wheel, Tyler shook his head, trying to coax himself out the car.

He had to do it. Tyler wanted to apologize. To get rid of all the burden and guilt he harbored. He wanted to apologize for Josh’s sake as well as his own.

Two years hurts less than three. Or, God forbid, four.

The buzz of his phone made him jump slightly, snapping him out of his self-motivating trance. And a quick look at who it was that texted him made him frown. 

Zack.

'mom told me who's in town. he treated you like shit and left. dont go see him.'

It was like Zack knew him. Tyler had to stop and wonder if he was that predictable when it came to Josh. But even if Zack could guess that Tyler would drop everything to see Josh, Zack clearly didn't know Josh.

Unless Josh changed.

Change terrified Tyler. It wasn’t right. It was unnatural. Josh would be unrecognizable. An entirely different person.

Refusing to believe that, Tyler dismissed Zack's warning, texting back a quick, ‘Im not. Im in class right now.’ It wasn’t the first time he lied to Zack. Still, it never made him feel okay. With that out of the way, he pushed whatever thought of Josh being different to the back of his mind. Josh had to be the same. 

He had to be. Right?

Finally, after about ten minutes of convincing himself that at least seeing Josh wouldn’t completely kill him, Tyler grabbed the present from the passenger seat, getting out of his car and into bitter, unforgiving cold.

Walking to the door was a challenge itself. Tyler had to keep reminding himself, ‘one foot in front of the other. Left then right. Left then right. Don't stumble. Don't run away.’ Within the span of twenty seconds, which actually felt like a millisecond to Tyler, he was at the door. And the doorbell was rung, making his heart race with each waiting second. It was almost torturous. He hated confrontation but Tyler knew he would hate himself each and every day if he let Josh leave without knowing how sorry Tyler was.

The familiar creak of the door opening brought him back to reality. And in that split second, Tyler wanted to run away. Drop that shitty present in his hands and run to his car.

He didn’t. 

He couldn’t. Not physically or mentally. Tyler knew he’d hate himself if he ran when Josh was only a few feet in front of him after years. That, and Tyler felt his feet were frozen to the ground, as if the harsh cold had somehow also froze him up entirely.

When the door revealed some guy with brightly colored hair, Tyler had to look at the guy. Despite the colored hair, there was no doubt that the man in front of him was Josh. Upon coming across the realization, Tyler felt every part of his body tense up.

He looked different. Different hair, different demeanor, different stance, different shape, different height. Different.

It all absolutely scared Tyler.

Tyler hardly had time to even read Josh’s shocked and confused expression before he realized that the silence had stretched out too long. Neither one of them had said anything in the past minute or so.

“Josh.” Tyler said, feeling his insides churn, just as they always did whenever Josh came up in conversation. As he waited for some sort of response, Tyler actually looked at Josh’s features for the first time in what felt like forever for Tyler.

Josh was a little taller. Not so much as when he first left Ohio, but he grew enough for Tyler to notice. That small height growth was probably thanks to the fact that he looked more muscular than before. Josh was never out of shape, but there was definitely some kind of muscle definition beneath that N.A.S.A shirt he was wearing. And, of course, the hair. Bright pink. His hair wasn’t colored when he left. It was just brown. A dark brown that Tyler loved.

It was Josh’s unsure voice that brought Tyler back to reality.

“Tyler. Hey.”

To hear Josh even speak his name again made Tyler want everything back to the way it was two years ago. When things were easier. When Josh was here. Tyler wanted to let his emotions spill out, but he willed them not to. Not now. Not ever. Tyler moved his eyes everywhere but to Josh’s eyes. And without much thought, Tyler spoke.

“I, uh…” Tyler took a moment to clear his throat, shakily bringing up the horribly wrapped present to his own chest. “I just...kinda heard that you were in town. Y’know how, uh...that word gets around here. It’s a small town.” He almost trailed off, but he forced himself to keep talking. Instead of focusing on Josh’s beautiful eyes like he’d originally want to, he felt too intimidated. Too scared to see something different in those eyes. “So...I just...i-it’s almost Christmas, so…” Tyler paused to move the present forward, now offering it to Josh. “So...Merry Christmas. I’ve…” ‘missed you so much and I still love you’. No. Wrong. “I hope you’ve been good. I-I’m sorry if this is awkward.” Tyler finally stopped talking, feeling as if breathing was such a task.

After a prolonged silence from Josh, Tyler finally actually met Josh’s gaze. Although after he did, he regretted looking almost immediately. All because he couldn’t read Josh’s eyes. Not like he could before. Tyler was now entirely convinced that he shouldn’t have stopped by.

Despite the unreadable expression, Tyler saw a hint of a smile as Josh outstretched his hand to take the present from Tyler’s shaking hands.

“Oh. Wow, thanks, Tyler. That’s...aw, man, you really didn’t need to.” Josh effortlessly said, still smiling. The smile gave him some reassurance. But he stuffed his hands in the pocket of his hoodie, shrugging. The nerves inside of him still hadn’t calmed.

“Well...it’s just a...I guess it’s a ‘welcome back’ gift. Temporarily. Welcome back...temporarily.” Tyler said, his mind going blank. There they were. It was everything Tyler had wanted for two years, and he had no idea what to say or do. He wanted to stay, to talk, to catch up, to have Josh there with him, but Tyler didn’t know what to do. And he automatically assumed that Josh didn’t want him that. Josh was still mad. If he were Josh, he would hate Tyler. “I’m...I’ll just…” But Tyler could find no words anymore. Thankfully, Josh took over.

“You look cold. Well, you don’t _look_ cold but...it’s kinda freezing outside. And you’re only wearing a sweater. Do you...wanna come in, or something?” Josh offered, stepping aside and opening the door a bit wider to make room for Tyler. But Tyler was still lost in his thoughts and Josh’s eyes.

Josh had to hate him. And so did Josh’s family. Why should he step inside?

“Oh, I’m fine. R-Really, I still kinda live here. I’m just...used to the cold, I guess?” That was a lie. It was a blatant lie and Tyler saw the smile disappear from Josh’s face, a neutral expression showing through. But as Tyler kept looking and examining the seemingly neutral face, he saw a bit of worry in the way his eyebrows slightly pushed together. Eventually, he shrugged again, quickly speaking again. “But, uh, besides, you're visiting for your family. I don't wanna get in the way of that.”

“You’re kind of shivering.” Josh gently pointed out, tilting his head to the side a bit. Maybe it really was cold outside. Tyler didn’t have time to differentiate the cold, numbing weather from the situation at hand. But in reality, it was both elements that made Tyler feel so numb and shaky, inside and out. “I don’t want you getting sick or anything. That’ll all be on me.” When Tyler didn’t give Josh an immediate response, Josh kept talking, filling the silence between them. “My mom's out working, my dad's getting more groceries, and my siblings are all out. It's just me. We can catch up. Talk.”

Tyler hesitated. It was everything he wanted. To talk to Josh in person. Just them two. His class didn't last long on Wednesdays, only about an hour. If he were to go into Josh's house, he'd never leave. Not in time to hide the fact that he went to go visit Josh. He should get back home. To Brian. As if he could even consider that a home.

“I...I can't. I really want to. You...really have no idea how much I want to but I just have classes today.” Tyler said, a frown tracing the features on his face. In that moment, he regretted ever going on those first few dates with Brian. He almost wanted to cry. “I should go. Now. My class starts soon.” Tyler muttered, meeting Josh's eyes again. This time, they were disappointed. Almost sad. Tyler couldn't help but wonder why.

“Alright. I can't stop you from that.” Josh said, nodding. “But, uhm. Thanks. For the present. And for stopping by. I...sorta missed you. I really missed you, actually.” The words flowed out so smoothly, Tyler's heart nearly skipped a beat. Then he felt heavy. The longing in his chest was growing to be too overwhelming.

“I...me too. Me too. I have to go.” Tyler quickly said. “I'm sorry. For everything.” Tyler ignored the confused and worried look from Josh, his rambling gaining speed. “I know it doesn’t even mean much but...I-I just thought I’d have to say something and--”

“Whoa, whoa, Ty, slow down.” Josh tried, stepping forward a bit only to have Tyler quickly step back. That confused look Josh gave earlier turned into complete worry but, again, Tyler chose to not acknowledge it.

“Josh, I’m just sorry. Okay? I...I really need to go. Now.” It got harder to breathe. All that he knew was that he was utterly sorry and that he had to go. Just as Tyler quickly turned around to leave, Josh’s hand gently grabbed ahold of his wrist, making him instinctively pull back even more before he realized this was Josh. Not Brian.

Josh’s grip was soft and loose. It had no intention to hurt him. Brian’s grip was different. It was possessive. Angry and determined, and Tyler had no escape. 

As soon as Tyler pulled his hand back, Josh immediately let go. Tyler dared to look at Josh again, only seeing the worry grow. Tyler remained silent. Soon, the silence weighed them down, and Josh’s confusion and worry now set in. But before Josh could find the words, Tyler stuffed his hands in the pocket of his sweater.

“I...really have to go. I’ll be late.” Tyler said, his voice now quiet.

“Wait, Tyler, please. Just-- Just hold on, okay?” Josh urged, taking his step back and staying at a respectable distance from Tyler. “There’s...obviously things we need to talk about, right? I’m here for another week and a half. Eleven days. There’s gotta be some time in your schedule for us to hang out. Just...for an hour or two?” Josh paused, as if he were waiting for some kind of response. When Tyler remained quiet, Josh kept talking. “You...really don’t have to if you don’t want to. It’d be better if we cleared everything up though, right?”

Tyler looked at the ground, as if he were actually examining the crushed snow underneath his feet. All he was actually doing was thinking. After a few seconds of even more silence, Tyler nodded slightly, looking back up at Josh. “Right. Yeah...yeah, maybe we should.” Tyler said, feeling a small glimmer of hope for the first time in so long. It nearly replaced the terror he first felt upon seeing Josh again.

And Josh smiled a bit too. A relieved smile. The most perfect grin he’d ever see on a person. At least his smile stayed the same.

“Okay. Okay, cool. So...when?” Josh asked.

At that question, Tyler shrugged. “I...can’t really know right now. Still just busy with everything. Can I...I dunno, let you know? Later?”

“Yeah. Don’t worry about it.” Josh hesitated. “Do you need my number?”

Tyler nodded and remained quiet as Josh recited the number, putting the contact name as ‘Addie’. Just in case Brian felt the need to look through his phone again. After that was done, Tyler looked back up at Josh. “Don’t you need mine?”

Josh only shrugged, looking down at the ground for the first time since they began talking before looking back up at Tyler. “I never really got around to it. Deleting your number.” He admitted, giving a rather half-assed smile. Tyler could still tell the genuine grins from the fake ones. 

But Josh never did cut all communication off. Tyler felt guilty. The only reason he actually deleted Josh’s number was because of Brian. He got mad after seeing that name on Tyler’s phone.

“I was just busy.” Josh quickly said, realizing what he said. “What, with the moving, the packing, unpacking, band stuff. Just...never got around to it.” Josh shook his head, “Not that I meant to. But...you know what I mean.”

“Yeah. I get what you mean.” Tyler paused again. “I have to go.”

“Oh, yeah. Sorry. You’ll call me, right? Or text me?”

Tyler nodded. “Yeah. I will. I’ll...I’ll just let you know.” With that, he turned around and forced himself to leave, not looking back at Josh. 

It wasn’t a long talk. Not at all. But Tyler knew better. If he had stayed five minutes longer, that five minutes would’ve turned into three hours. Three hours full of catching up and wanting Josh all over again, fully knowing that he’d be leaving for California again soon. Three hours where Brian wouldn't have known where he was.

But Tyler wanted to see him again. There was no way Josh would leave without a formal apology from Tyler.

By the time Tyler got back into his car, there was a swirl of emotions. Relief, longing, nervousness, guilt, and frustration at himself. All of those feelings raged inside of him like a blizzard, not letting him free even after he had driven off from Josh’s house back to his own reality. Back to the world where he is still Brian’s boyfriend while he still suppresses the feelings he has for Josh.

Inside and out, he felt he would never be free.

***

After killing whatever time he had left at some shops in town, Tyler decided it was time to go home. Back to that apartment where he had little to no privacy or respect. Where he was practically forced to love someone he could go his whole life without. Because of that relationship, Tyler had become good at lying. He already had a plan for whatever question Brian might ask, and it needed to be foolproof. Tyler felt genuine fear at the thought of Brian finding out about Josh.

Tyler walked through the door of the apartment and sure enough, Brian was on the couch, expecting Tyler to be home already. 

Tyler gave a forced smile and a wave. “Hey.” He said, walking towards the bedroom to avoid Brian. Just for a few seconds longer. But as soon as he sat down on the edge of the bed, Brian followed in behind him.

“How was class?” Brian asked, standing in front of Tyler with his arms crossed. Tyler felt his blood run cold. Brian looked annoyed. Did he...know? There was no way he knew.

“Uh...it was fine. No lecture today. No notes. Just...watched a movie. Analyzed the music used in it. Composition, and all that.” Tyler hesitated, his body tense. “Are you alright? Is, uh...something wrong?” Tyler asked, keeping track of his movements.

“You went to class, right?”

“Yeah. Why? Where else would I go?” But Tyler feared the answer. How could Brian have known? No one was at Josh’s house.

Brian stared at Tyler, his eyes narrowing as if to look for some sort of lie. “Zack called me today.” Those words alone were enough to make Tyler freeze.

Zack didn’t know how Brian treated Tyler behind closed doors. Tyler knew he had no right to blame or to even momentarily hate Zack. But he did. 

“Oh. Okay.” Tyler didn’t dare let himself slip. Not yet. His voice didn’t reflect his fears and guilt. “He texted me today. I forgot to respond, though. Kinda was busy with class.” Tyler paused again, forcing himself to look at Brian and not look away. To not give himself away. “What did he say?”

“Your ex is in town.”

“Oh.” Tyler shrugged. “Yeah. He...he mentioned that. But...what does that have to do with me going to class?” He asked, ignoring the voice in his head that accused him of being a liar. Tyler figured he was a liar for his own sake and safety.

Brian shrugged as well, mimicking Tyler’s movements. “Maybe you went to go fucking see him. How the fuck am I supposed to know?” Brian asked, his annoyed expression translating into his voice.

Tyler was quick to protest. “What? Why would I? I...I don’t even like missing class. You know that!” When Brian didn’t look convinced, Tyler felt the fear rise up to his throat. He felt sick. “I’m over him. He...he left. He left me and I just...I can’t forgive him for it.” _Liar. Liar. It was your fault._ “Brian, please, I wouldn’t see him.”

Brian grabbed Tyler’s arms, his grip strong enough to bruise. Tyler instinctively tried to pull away, only to be roughly kept in place. “Don’t try to get away from me.” Brian said, his voice eerily leveled. Tyler winced at the tight grip, enduring the uncomfortable pain and keeping quiet. He wanted to cry out, but he knew he shouldn’t. Not in front of Brian. Not now. “You’re over that asshole, right?”

“Y-Yes, Brian, I already told you. Please, you’re really starting to hurt--”

“You won’t see him while he’s here, right?”

Tyler frantically shook his head. “No. I won’t, I swear, I won’t! Please, you’re my boyfriend. I-I won’t do that to you!”

Finally, Brian’s death grip was released and Tyler let his shaky breathing loose, knowing there would be a bruise after all of this. Another one among many. “Good. I have to make sure, Ty. I don’t like hurting you. But it hurts me whenever you mention that sad excuse for a guy. I love you, you know?” Brian said, pulling Tyler into a hug despite Tyler wanting to get far away from him as possible. But in Brian’s arms, he allowed his eyes to water and his body to shake with suppressed sobs. “You’re mine, right?”

“Y-Yeah.”

_Liar._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello, please, have a haiku
> 
> please do not hate me  
> i was just very busy  
> i am free from school
> 
> im also very bad at haikus  
> i will update asap your words of encouragement are great and i hope you liked this chapter


	3. lack of color

Fucking up is a part of life. It is what makes humans _human_. Tyler was well aware of that. In fact, it was Josh who enforced that and made Tyler believe such a statement.

Whenever Tyler would get a C or lower in one of his classes in high school, when Tyler would get upset at how bad one of his original songs came out sounding, or when he would slip up, say the wrong thing, embarrass himself or hurt someone, Josh would always console him. 

_“You’re a human being. We’re all bound to mess up a few times. I mean, as long as no one actually died, you’ve got room for error. Don’t be too hard on yourself. You made the mistake, now you can improve it. Make it perfect. Perk up, buttercup.”_

It was always something along those lines. Though it was the same speech holding the same meaning, it meant something each time. It felt genuine. It gave Tyler motivation. It was always something special and unique each time. And that little ‘perk up, buttercup’ never failed to make Tyler smile even a little bit, especially after seeing Josh smile as those words flowed smoothly from his lips.

But all of those good memories felt like a century ago. It all was shoved aside when, in his own eyes, Tyler majorly fucked up.

_“You really don’t think I’ll make it, do you? Do you really doubt me that much, Tyler? You—“_

_“I’m being realistic! You won't make it in L.A., Josh!”_

At first, Tyler was stuck wondering why he was still haunted by every word he spoke that night. He apologized, right? Faced his fears and mustered up the courage to visit Josh’s old house and say a rushed apology. That was all he wanted to do.

It wasn’t enough. A half-assed apology would never be enough for someone like Josh. No, he deserved the world and more.

_“You won't make it in L.A., Josh!”_

There he lay at 4 A.M., Brian’s overly possessive arms wrapped around him, the hum of the heater in the distance overriding the dead silence that swept over the apartment. Sleep evaded him as he thought endlessly about Josh, though that typically wasn't uncommon, this time he was also worrying about Brian.

Last night he made plans with Josh. Just to get coffee and to catch up. Still, it was risky. He made sure to tell Brian that he was going last minute Christmas shopping and that Tyler wanted it all to be a surprise. Surprisingly, Brian said it was alright. Although the approval seemed hesitant, Tyler would take it. Any chance to see Josh was worth it.

What would Brian do if he ever found out Josh was here? 

Tyler shivered at the thought, despite the warmth surrounding him. Brian would lash out. Make it worse than the other times before.

Turning his head to look at Brian’s sleeping and calm face. That structured and somewhat chiseled face with the hint of a beard matching his dark brown, soft hair. The face anyone would be happy to date. But Tyler couldn't help but wonder when the last time he was happy to sleep with him. It all seemed forced. And Tyler was well aware of the abusive relationship he was in. There was no sugar coating it; Tyler was unhappy and wanted nothing more than to leave Brian. However at that point Tyler firmly believed that there was no way out.

Tyler knew was love was. He knew the fluttering feeling he’d get whenever Josh would smile, compliment him, kiss him, hold him during one of his depressive episodes, comfort him, and even after sex when they would lie together in comfortable silence. What he had with Brian was different.

He was trapped. As if Tyler was the abused elephant while Brian was the sickening ringleader.

***

The morning went as usual; wake up before Brian, lie in bed a little more while scrolling through his phone, get up and get dressed, and make sure not to mess anything up or say anything that would make Brian upset. And for whatever reason, Brian was in a good mood when he emerged from the bedroom.

Tyler was standing at the counter, anxiously waiting to leave to go meet up with Josh as he eat his cereal. Brian cooed a soft “Good morning,” as he stepped up behind Tyler to leave a kiss on his neck. Tyler could never grow used to those kisses, yet he forced a smile and a nod, murmuring a ‘Good morning’ back.

And so the real challenge began.

“You’re going Christmas shopping today, huh?” Brian asked, managing to pull out a carton of eggs from the void that was the fridge. “For who?”

“Well...everyone, kinda. I only have a present for my mom.” Tyler replied, watching Brian as he moved about the kitchen, going from the fridge to the stove. “Been kinda busy with school. There’s only like...3 days until Christmas. I really gotta scramble.” Tyler managed a small grin, amused with his own incoming pun. “Get it? Scramble? ‘Cause…’cause you like your eggs scrambled?” Looking at Brian, he at least hoped to elicit some sort of response.

“Heh. Yeah. That’s funny.” Brian replied, not at all interested in what Tyler said as he was already whisking the two eggs in a bowl. Tyler felt disheartened, yet he wasn’t sure what he expected from Brian. Tyler noticed that he almost never laughed at his jokes.

All he knew was that Josh would have appreciated that joke.

“Uhm. Yeah...anyways, I’m dropping a lot of money today.” Tyler muttered, looking away from Brian to look back into the bowl of cereal that had already gone soggy. Tyler always did take a while to eat. Instead of eating the mush, he began to play around with the cereal with the spoon, busying himself. “I...might leave soon, too. Just to get everything done sooner.” He mentioned, now entirely focused on what was going on within the white ceramic bowl in front of him.

Tyler could already hear the eggs being cooked within the small pan, being pushed around as they were torn apart and separated to Brian’s liking. “I’m coming along too, right?” Brian asked, not even bothering to look over at Tyler as he cooked the eggs. 

Those words made Tyler tense a little, making him stop any movement of the spoon in his hand. Of course, he expected that sort of persistence from Brian, but he reminded himself to not let it affect him. Tyler kept up his own person mantra when it came to lying to Brian’s face: Remain confident. Don’t falter in your words. Make yourself believe it. Avoid any holes in the story that he could see through.

“No, you can’t. I’m shopping for you too, Bri. You can’t know what I’m getting you. That ruins the whole surprise element, y’know?” Tyler said, forcing himself to look in Brian’s direction, knowing full well that Brian would look over too. And just as Tyler had suspected, Brian did look over, abandoning the eggs that were cooking and simmering in the pan.

“Well I can walk away while you go inside the store and buy it. And I can be with you while you buy everyone else’s shit.” Brian said, leaning against the lukewarm stove, crossing his arms while he looked directly at Tyler. Tyler felt a bit of a shiver, but he refused to let it show. This was for Josh.

“That would make the gift obvious. It’s a surprise, Brian. I don’t wanna let you know. I-I’m sorry, it’s just...it’s supposed to be a gift. For you and for my family. I need to do this alone. Please?” Tyler felt the tremble mid sentence, his voice almost shaking and falling apart, the fear setting in. And apparently Brian picked up on it, as Tyler saw him narrow his eyes and stay silent for a few seconds.

“Are you going to see your ex, Tyler? Don’t think I forgot he’s in town.” Brian skeptically asked, his tone too light and curious for Tyler’s own sake. But Tyler could challenge this, fueled by the desire to talk to Josh for more than 10 minutes.

“What? Brian, there’s 3 days before Christmas. I have nothing done. Seriously. Look through the closet, I don’t have gifts for anyone. I-I don’t know what else to say, Brian. I already told you...I wouldn’t do that to you. You...you’re more important.” Tyler lied, feeling disgusting with every white lie he’s told Brian. His eyes averted to the pan behind Brian, starting to spew out smoke as the eggs began to burn. That was his scapegoat. “Brian, the eggs.” Tyler gently reminded him.

“No, screw the eggs right now.” Brian said, walking up to Tyler as he sat in the chair. Tyler reacted by jumping back in his seat, scooting toward the other edge of the chair, gripping the edges to the point where his knuckles turned white. Tyler felt a rush of adrenaline and fear to his head and heart, although nothing happened. Not yet. “I want to see every receipt from your little shopping trip. Every single one. I wanna see everything.” Brian demanded.

Feeling the fear at the back of his throat, Tyler remained quiet and nodded, a bit hesitant. Yet that wasn’t enough for Brian.

“Well? Is that a yes? What the hell does a nod do for me, Tyler?” Brian demanded, slamming his hand down on the table, causing Tyler to audibly gasp and shut his eyes. Without even knowing it himself, Tyler’s body began to tremble on its own.

“Y-Yes. Y-Yeah, you can...you can have all the receipts. I-I just...I’ll scratch out whatever I bought you.” Tyler drew in a shaky breath, trying to calm down. Trying not to feed into Brian’s intimidation game, even though Tyler was sure he lost already.

“Good.” Brian looked over at the bowl in front of Tyler now, growing more displeased. “What, now you’re fucking wasting food too? You know I only work weekends. And that we’re not even working this weekend because of this stupid holiday. Be considerate for once, would you, Tyler?” Brian huffed, glaring at Tyler as he averted his eyes to look at the bowl, as if he were facing what he’d caused.

“Sorry. I...I just...I’ll pay you back. A-As soon as my FAFSA money comes in, s-since I’m shopping today.” Tyler hurried with the response, trying to lighten the incoming anger. Brian only sighed as a response, shaking his head and huffing as he looked back at the eggs in the pan.

“You’re a lot to deal with, Tyler.” Brian muttered under his breath, turning around to walk back towards the smoking pan. “Great.” He said, shutting off the stove then promptly slamming his fist on the counter next to him. “Another fucking pan ruined. Just get your shit together and go shop for all the shit you need.” Brian dismissed him, taking the pan off of the heat and running it under water in the sink, eggs and all. Tyler didn’t second guess it. He stood up from his seat and retreated to the bedroom to get ready, thanking God that nothing happened this morning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sooo its a short update. thats partly bc we'll get into the juicy stuff next chapter and bc i felt as if i needed to explain my absence. if really really are curious as to know the exact reason, you can read it here : http://raininjuiy.tumblr.com/post/157385171702/update-and-also-a-vent-more-soooo-im-sorta  
> if not, thats totally okay!! just know ill try to be more consistent. (: the messages you guys left did motivate me. thank you and im so sorry for the wait. <3

**Author's Note:**

> alright so i used this base idea for rps on omegle and then someone told me i should make it a fic and here we are!! i thought of this after re-listening to "bigcitydreams" by never shout never because theyre lowkey one of my favorites.
> 
> also im a very busy 18 year old who is gonna graduate high school in a few months so ill try 'n update as soon as i can lmao. this is my first fic written on this site soooo ill learn along the way i just dont like the ending of this chapter tbh but whatever
> 
> alright bye  
> p.s. ill add tags when i find out what to tag lmao


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